What this week’s dreams have taught me:
- Despite its name, Vomit Junction is a lovely little town.
- Inside select Anthroplogies you’ll find a smaller, sister store called Polish.
- Within Polish is a hidden door that leads to a popular, high-end dessert shop.
- If you want to show a bunch of high-schoolers how cool you are, crash their prom and roller skate to oldies.
- To find out if someone is really a boy or a girl, just run a paperclip between their fingers.
- Standing up in a crowded theater and shouting, “Hey—this isn’t a Full House marathon!” feels really, really good.

What this week’s dreams have taught me:

- Despite its name, Vomit Junction is a lovely little town.

- Inside select Anthroplogies you’ll find a smaller, sister store called Polish.

- Within Polish is a hidden door that leads to a popular, high-end dessert shop.

- If you want to show a bunch of high-schoolers how cool you are, crash their prom and roller skate to oldies.

- To find out if someone is really a boy or a girl, just run a paperclip between their fingers.

- Standing up in a crowded theater and shouting, “Hey—this isn’t a Full House marathon!” feels really, really good.

What this week’s dreams have taught me about enormous cows and Satan:
- If you’re driving down a country road and are blocked by a cow the size of a dinosaur, listen to your grandma and don’t just “try and drive around it.”
- If you do, it will go berserk and try to smash your car with it’s giant body.
- When it’s really foggy, a gigantic country cow may also shape-shift into the abominable snowman. 
- Satan is actually grey/blue not red, and he lives in an old house with his family.
-If you’re Satan’s son and want to convince Dad that love is more powerful than evil, try concentrating all your affection on a nearby guard until his body starts to crack.
- Satan’s wife is beautiful, and a pretty decent mother. 

What this week’s dreams have taught me about enormous cows and Satan:

- If you’re driving down a country road and are blocked by a cow the size of a dinosaur, listen to your grandma and don’t just “try and drive around it.”

- If you do, it will go berserk and try to smash your car with it’s giant body.

- When it’s really foggy, a gigantic country cow may also shape-shift into the abominable snowman. 

- Satan is actually grey/blue not red, and he lives in an old house with his family.

-If you’re Satan’s son and want to convince Dad that love is more powerful than evil, try concentrating all your affection on a nearby guard until his body starts to crack.

- Satan’s wife is beautiful, and a pretty decent mother. 

What this week’s dreams have taught me:
- If Ben Stein hits on you as you’re coming out of a strip club bathroom, just tell him you’re “here with your family” and he’ll leave you alone.
- Most people have no clue what to do when a penguin is choking.
- Having a backyard portal to a secret land filled with feral, flesh-eating children is never a good idea, no matter how thick the door.
- Surprisingly, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opt for a flying cheeseburger, not a pizza, as their aircraft of choice.
- If you come across a field full of giraffes being beheaded by helicopter nooses and then eaten by angry elephants, don’t fret. A parachute with “YOU” written across it will shortly land and bring peace.

What this week’s dreams have taught me:

- If Ben Stein hits on you as you’re coming out of a strip club bathroom, just tell him you’re “here with your family” and he’ll leave you alone.

- Most people have no clue what to do when a penguin is choking.

- Having a backyard portal to a secret land filled with feral, flesh-eating children is never a good idea, no matter how thick the door.

- Surprisingly, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opt for a flying cheeseburger, not a pizza, as their aircraft of choice.

- If you come across a field full of giraffes being beheaded by helicopter nooses and then eaten by angry elephants, don’t fret. A parachute with “YOU” written across it will shortly land and bring peace.

What this week’s dreams have taught me:

- Life is funny. One minute you’re at Walmart picking out sheets, the next you’re at Ryan Gosling’s annual hedonism fight fest in New Jersey.

- Turtles are the everyday dragon. 

- If a large eagle rescues you from a flood, years later you too will be transformed into a heroic bird of prey. There’s nothing you can do about it. Accept your destiny. 

- When farm dogs get old, their masters bury them up to their necks in a field and let nature take its course.

- If you move into a house and your bedroom keeps switching rooms, you should probably relocate.

- If you stay, you will eventually run into a blind monster who can only see the stars. 

- When you find out your step-dad has been cheating on your mom through a midget clown escort service, the last thing you want from him is a hug.  

What this week’s dreams have taught me:

- The latest teen drug craze is snorting dried peanut butter shavings through big red straws. 

- It’s tough to be a young girl juggling school, a peanut butter shavings addiction, and an ongoing battle with an evil dream sorceress.

-  If the only way to get to a tropical resort is riding on a giant, toad-powered snake, find another hotel.  

- To really piss off your Middle Eastern father, get onstage at a wedding, declare you are not in fact a virgin, and proceed to pull a dog out of your vagina. 

- If that doesn’t do the trick, pull out the leash. 

What this week’s dreams have taught me:
- Nothing’s more embarrassing than having your mom bump into Andre Leon Talley’s wheelchair at a party. 
- If you’re strolling through a park and pass a caravan guarded by skeletons buried up to their waists, don’t go back to “check it out.”
- If you do return, the skeletons will grab you, take you inside, and eat you.
- Duck hunting involves the mass slaughter of chihuahuas.
- If you walk confidently enough, no one will notice that you’re only wearing one shoe. 

What this week’s dreams have taught me:

- Nothing’s more embarrassing than having your mom bump into Andre Leon Talley’s wheelchair at a party. 

- If you’re strolling through a park and pass a caravan guarded by skeletons buried up to their waists, don’t go back to “check it out.”

- If you do return, the skeletons will grab you, take you inside, and eat you.

- Duck hunting involves the mass slaughter of chihuahuas.

- If you walk confidently enough, no one will notice that you’re only wearing one shoe. 

What this week’s dreams have taught me:
- My new favorite store is called The Trading Post. It has vaulted ceilings and you ride a 1930’s chairlift above the merchandise to view everything before purchasing. 
- The Trading Post’s current #1 seller are giant latch hook pillows featuring tiger and bear faces.
- Sean Penn looks pretty decent naked. 
- There will soon be an iPhone that can diagnose ailments when you hold it over parts of your body.
- When I put this new iPhone over my tummy, it will text me: “You better not befriend any zombies, because 12% of your stomach is dead.”

What this week’s dreams have taught me:

- My new favorite store is called The Trading Post. It has vaulted ceilings and you ride a 1930’s chairlift above the merchandise to view everything before purchasing. 

- The Trading Post’s current #1 seller are giant latch hook pillows featuring tiger and bear faces.

- Sean Penn looks pretty decent naked. 

- There will soon be an iPhone that can diagnose ailments when you hold it over parts of your body.

- When I put this new iPhone over my tummy, it will text me: “You better not befriend any zombies, because 12% of your stomach is dead.”

Just found this Christmas wish-list post I started a few years ago!

No, I never got these items, and yes, I still want them. 

Carven Gargoyle knitted intarsia sweater

Boo stuffed animal by Gund

A date with this guy

What this week’s dreams have taught me:

- When left unattended, newborn puppies will head straight for the nearest garbage disposal.

- If a dragon ladles lava out of a satanic volcano and drizzles it on an epic battle, any evil will be extinguished and turned into blue waters.

- Underneath the fur, dog tails are actually carrots.

- In the near future, haunted houses will be made by projecting terrifying images onto sheets of rain.

- The Italian word for “help” is “chocolate.”

What this week’s dreams have taught me:
- If you concentrate hard enough, you can make a pair of pants materialize on your body.
- This is a lifesaver if you’re at a bowling alley and realize you don’t have pants on.
- If sheep heads start to break through your floorboards, it’s safe to assume that shit’s going down.
- Somewhere there is a restaurant on a bridge with dinner entertainment that includes giant, amphibious monsters coming up to your table and asking for change. Or singing you a song, but that’s extra. 
- Jon Hamm is a baby tosser. 

What this week’s dreams have taught me:

- If you concentrate hard enough, you can make a pair of pants materialize on your body.

- This is a lifesaver if you’re at a bowling alley and realize you don’t have pants on.

- If sheep heads start to break through your floorboards, it’s safe to assume that shit’s going down.

- Somewhere there is a restaurant on a bridge with dinner entertainment that includes giant, amphibious monsters coming up to your table and asking for change. Or singing you a song, but that’s extra. 

- Jon Hamm is a baby tosser.