ANTM ALL-STARS EPISODE RECAP Episode 1: “Nigel has a scary scalp garden & some tall girls do stuff” Just as summer puts on its coat and the novelty of sunburns and white wine begins to fade, Headmistress Tyra and her Academy of Cray-Cray return to usher us gently into fall. T Banks faced quite the conundrum for her 126th cycle—America’s gangly and misguided finally caught on that the highlight of winning ANTM is wearing an angora sweater dress in a J.C. Penney catalog spread, and casting call lines dried up as quickly as Jay Manuel’s liquid eyeliner during NY fashion week. Luckily TyTy had a solution: find the most desperate or fame-hungry of the ex-contestants, call them “fan favorites”, and launch an ANTM All-Stars season. Within the first 60 seconds of airtime, viewers were treated to the following testimony of Tyra’s creative genius—actually, I’m not even going to write a complete sentence to describe it, I’m just going to list a series of words, which will probably be a better representation anyway:  sleepy,  dream bubbles, thrashing, accents, circles, girl, girl, tranny, epiphany! Ok, so at this point Tyra has adequately explained to her audience the reasoning behind ANTM Ball-Scars, and the freakfest parade finally begins! Below, for your convenience, you will find a list of all 14 contestants and their corresponding monikers. Why not just call them by their real names, you ask? First, I don’t have the time or patience to double-check that all letters are in their proper place for each girl’s name (there are seriously like five different ways you could spell Brittany), and second, it’s really fun to look at someone’s face and try and imagine what animal they most resemble. The Contestants: Laura—Dewy Bumpkin  Angelea—Isis Sr. Bianca—Brandi Lisa—The Grill Bre— Eliminated (Basically, Bre just bores me) Brittany—Janice Jr. Dominique—Lion Drag Face Sheena—Charlie Sheena Isis—Isis (girl don’t need a nickname!) Kayla—Jewish Helen Hunt Allison—Disney Princess Porn Star Camille—The Bitchuation Shannon—Dry Hump (for several reasons, one being that she would hate it) Alexandria—Trout Mouth Next, Jay Manuel shows up to the house (dressed like Freddy from Scooby Doo [thanks Annie!] if he had been a Studio 54 regular) and crosses and uncrosses his arms while the girls partake in their first fashion shoot of the season. It was during this shoot that we witnessed Cry #1, courtesy of Dry Hump. They were trying to make her cover her swimsuit with lace panties, and she was all, “The only man that gets to see me in lingerie is Jesus!”, and then she cried and talked about morals and everyone looked confused. Some predictable photos were taken and then later some other stuff happened: the girls had to walk down a runway at an outdoor mall or something and the audience of “fans” cheered and gawked and apparently all checked their phones or went to the bathroom when Brittany sauntered down. Oh, and Nigel wore a wig and there was a guest judge, a curvy young drag queen with a spotty British accent—a friend of Miss J, I presume. It was during the mall parking lot catwalk that viewers got a second helping of model tears, with a freshly booed Alexandria bringing home Cry #2.  Once all the Mall-Stars finished trotting in front of the judges and trying their best not to laugh at Nigel’s mid-life crisis or Tyra’s new hat from Claire’s, it was time for panel! The contestants were individually critiqued by a board of experts, with headshots of each girl in hand for reference (though I’m pretty sure those are actually just pictures of Tyra for direct comparison). In the end, it was Janice Jr.’s inability to produce anything more than mild panty bunching from the audience that led to her demise. I’m sorry Janice Jr., you are not still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Cycle 17 All-Star Winner Model-Type Person. Episode All-Stars: Cry tracker: Cry #1—Dry Hump Cry #2—Trout Mouth Cry #3—Me, during a preview for “Dolphin Tale” Best Tyra quote: “When you have people that love you, and people who hate you, that is the definition of a true star.”

ANTM ALL-STARS EPISODE RECAP

Episode 1: “Nigel has a scary scalp garden & some tall girls do stuff”

Just as summer puts on its coat and the novelty of sunburns and white wine begins to fade, Headmistress Tyra and her Academy of Cray-Cray return to usher us gently into fall. T Banks faced quite the conundrum for her 126th cycle—America’s gangly and misguided finally caught on that the highlight of winning ANTM is wearing an angora sweater dress in a J.C. Penney catalog spread, and casting call lines dried up as quickly as Jay Manuel’s liquid eyeliner during NY fashion week. Luckily TyTy had a solution: find the most desperate or fame-hungry of the ex-contestants, call them “fan favorites”, and launch an ANTM All-Stars season.

Within the first 60 seconds of airtime, viewers were treated to the following testimony of Tyra’s creative genius—actually, I’m not even going to write a complete sentence to describe it, I’m just going to list a series of words, which will probably be a better representation anyway:  sleepy,  dream bubbles, thrashing, accents, circles, girl, girl, tranny, epiphany!

Ok, so at this point Tyra has adequately explained to her audience the reasoning behind ANTM Ball-Scars, and the freakfest parade finally begins! Below, for your convenience, you will find a list of all 14 contestants and their corresponding monikers. Why not just call them by their real names, you ask? First, I don’t have the time or patience to double-check that all letters are in their proper place for each girl’s name (there are seriously like five different ways you could spell Brittany), and second, it’s really fun to look at someone’s face and try and imagine what animal they most resemble.

The Contestants:

Laura—Dewy Bumpkin 

Angelea—Isis Sr.

Bianca—Brandi

Lisa—The Grill

Bre— Eliminated (Basically, Bre just bores me)

Brittany—Janice Jr.

Dominique—Lion Drag Face

Sheena—Charlie Sheena

Isis—Isis (girl don’t need a nickname!)

Kayla—Jewish Helen Hunt

Allison—Disney Princess Porn Star

Camille—The Bitchuation

Shannon—Dry Hump (for several reasons, one being that she would hate it)

Alexandria—Trout Mouth

Next, Jay Manuel shows up to the house (dressed like Freddy from Scooby Doo [thanks Annie!] if he had been a Studio 54 regular) and crosses and uncrosses his arms while the girls partake in their first fashion shoot of the season. It was during this shoot that we witnessed Cry #1, courtesy of Dry Hump. They were trying to make her cover her swimsuit with lace panties, and she was all, “The only man that gets to see me in lingerie is Jesus!”, and then she cried and talked about morals and everyone looked confused. Some predictable photos were taken and then later some other stuff happened: the girls had to walk down a runway at an outdoor mall or something and the audience of “fans” cheered and gawked and apparently all checked their phones or went to the bathroom when Brittany sauntered down. Oh, and Nigel wore a wig and there was a guest judge, a curvy young drag queen with a spotty British accent—a friend of Miss J, I presume. It was during the mall parking lot catwalk that viewers got a second helping of model tears, with a freshly booed Alexandria bringing home Cry #2. 

Once all the Mall-Stars finished trotting in front of the judges and trying their best not to laugh at Nigel’s mid-life crisis or Tyra’s new hat from Claire’s, it was time for panel! The contestants were individually critiqued by a board of experts, with headshots of each girl in hand for reference (though I’m pretty sure those are actually just pictures of Tyra for direct comparison). In the end, it was Janice Jr.’s inability to produce anything more than mild panty bunching from the audience that led to her demise. I’m sorry Janice Jr., you are not still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Cycle 17 All-Star Winner Model-Type Person.

Episode All-Stars:

Cry tracker:

Cry #1—Dry Hump

Cry #2—Trout Mouth

Cry #3—Me, during a preview for “Dolphin Tale”

Best Tyra quote:

“When you have people that love you, and people who hate you, that is the definition of a true star.”

Notes