ANTM ALL-STARS EPISODE RECAP
Episode 2: “Wieners and Losers”
As the second episode of the All-Star saga began this Wednesday, my friend Hannah innocently asked, “Can you remind me which ones are crazy, again?” My Top Model viewing cohort and co-host, Liz, calmly turned to the ANTM rookie, put an index finger to her lips, and whispered, “Shhh…just watch.”
About a minute into the episode we began to notice everyone was wearing…turbans? That can only mean one—OH MY GOD, it’s maaaakeoooover night!!! But, before we’re able to take pleasure in the ensuing emotional carnage of girls getting haircuts they never asked for, the All-Star hopefuls receive a visit from supposed branding aficionado, Martin Lynstrom. (And, may I add, they all did a fine job acting excited and pretending like they new who he was.) We learned that Martin was there to help provide the ladies with some professional self-direction via a single, defining word, chosen by the mysterious oracles they often refer to as “the fans”. Martin (with the aid of selective captioning) goes on to disclose the one word that best describes each contestant. Most of them were duh or dull, but the best part was when he would have them guess their word first, then shoot down their answers with his pistol of television truthiness. (Sorry Charlie Sheena, according to the oracles, you are not actually “smart”! Sorry Jewish Helen Hunt, but “Lesbian” was sooo five years ago!)
Armed with their Power Words and a new sense of self, the girls headed off for their [record scratch] TY-OVERS? What the fuck, Tyra. Seriously. I got on board with “smize” and “fivehead”, but “Ty-over”? I refuse. I just absolutely refuse, as passionately as I refuse to believe Nigel is happily married or decided to wear that rat-fur helmet on his own accord. Once everyone stopped vomiting when Tyra said “that phrase”, the makeovers began—aaand then ended after a short, boring round of highlights and trims. BUT, luckily, we were gifted with at least one haircut-induced meltdown. See, Brandi’s BFF, Eliminated, wanted to go home just because they gave her a coiffe inspired by Salt-n-Pepa and 90’s Friday night sitcoms. But, somehow, she managed to pull through by convincing herself that she needed to be brave and embody her Power Word (Girlfriend) by “Being a girlfriend to herself.” (See Charlie Sheena, that’s smart.)
Post-makeovers, guest judge Ashlee Simpson arrived to show the girls firsthand the level of fame and recognition they can aspire to. Then, Jay Manuel and Miss Jay popped out of a cake shaped like Ashlee Simpson’s original nose and handed out hot dogs for today’s challenge (unfortunately, only one part of that sentence was false). The All-Stars have to create a special hot dog, keeping their Power Word in mind, and then be photographed with their customized wiener. We were able to gleam a few things from tonight’s shoot:
- The Bitchuation needs to be taught how to eat a hot dog.
- Boobs do not guarantee the ability to sit on a stool like a woman.
- This is the closest a wiener has ever come to Dry Hump’s face.
After the photo shoot, it was time for judging! Some unexpected things happened at panel this week, including Andre Leon Talley’s suit and—the best part of the episode—the exorcism of Nigel’s scalp demons. Once everyone’s photos had been adequately scoffed at, the judges decided that Charlie Sheena, while talented in some areas (like the two above her ribs. Boom.), lacked the gift of model-y-ness. I’m sorry Charlie Sheena, you are not still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Cycle 17 All-Star Winner Model-Type Person.
Episode Recaps:
Cry tracker:
Cry #1—Trout Mouth*
Cry #2—Eliminated
*Though, I’m not sure if this counts because it was “from happiness.”
Best quotes
“How do you make a hot dog gay…and lesbian…and free?” —Dewy Bumpkin
“You’re like a weave and I’m like extensions.” —Brandi
“My fans think I’m annoying.” —Trout Mouth
“I am a misunderstood star.”—Trout Mouth
