ANTM ALL-STARS EPISODE RECAP Episode 3: “When I think about you I Tooch myself ” I’ve realized that watching ANTM with a rookie is a great way to pick up on blatant truths that may otherwise be missed by the desensitized brain of a regular viewer. For example, as perpetual Homecoming Queen hopeful, Kristin Cavallari, walked into the house to surprise the competitors, my friend Hannah asked, “What is she doing there?” So perceptive, Hannah. So perceptive. Kristen Calamari went on to dry her lip gloss by saying some stuff, but that’s when I went to refill my wine glass.  The Challenge Next, a freshly scalp-scraped Nigel told the girls about today’s challenge: Try not to sound like a complete dumbass while being interviewed by Mary-oh (love that accent, Nige) Lopez on an episode of Extra. The ladies were split into two teams and informed that the winning team would be safe from elimination! Some highlights from the interviews: -       The Grill’s day-glo pants, which were as incessant as her high-fiving. -       Brandi saying “vomit” and not realizing that she just said “vomit”. -       Disney Princess Porn Star (DPPS) trying not to laugh at the thought of Mario Lopez having a Ken doll crotch. In their limo on the way home, an enraged Isis Sr. treated us all to what may be the best quote in ANTM history: -       “I know how to conduct myself, bitch—I worked at a bank! I worked at BANK!” Once home, they all scratched their heads over the latest Tyra Mail. What would they be doing tomorrow for their big shoot? I missed the actual Trya Mail, but for some reason everyone thought it had something to do with animals.  The Photo Shoot Nope. It had to do with STILTS! Divided into pairs, the (safety-harnessed) girls tried their best to pose on Cirque-du-Soleil-style peg legs and the results were pure gold. There’s nothing like watching a duo of twig-limbed models trying to walk/stand/do high-kicks on stilts, it’s like a baby-giraffe fight club. Some highlights from the shoot: -       Brandi talking smack while holding a bag of Cheetos and a juice box in one hand. -       Dry Hump’s response to doing the devil’s walk on sticks? “I don’t even dance on the ground!” -       Lion Drag Face confusing the photographer’s direction to “try better legs” with “copping a squat”. -       First Cry! Brandi weeps on the floor of a public restroom, lamenting her fear of heights, but obviously not her fear of germs. The Judgment After what one can only guess was a blindfolded shopping spree at Charlotte Russe, the girls high-heeled it over to judging. During panel, Tyra unveiled a new entry in the ANTM lexicon, Booty Tooch. What is a Booty Tooch, you ask? Basically, it entails a lady popping her booty out and up to make sure it looks larger and more pert. Some highlights from judging: -       Tyra: “Can you say Tooch, Allison?” And then, like an owl saying it out of its butt, DPPS awkwardly replied, “Tooch.” -       Nigel asked The Grill, “Do you ever have your photograph taken with your legs together?” -       Midway through judging, what I thought was going to be an Old Navy commercial turned into a WTF Virgin Mobile ad touting the phrase “Bangin’ Booty Tooch.” (Yes, I debated whether this was a “highlight”.) Although it seemed that Dewy Bumpkin (or, her new alterna-nickname, “A Young Betty White”) was the obvious standout, DPPS received “Best Photo”. Hmph. Then, despite what I think should be a rule against having family members together in the Bottom Two, Isis and Isis Sr. were both up for elimination. After some soft, empathetic eye-squinting and sincere voice inflections, Tyra announced Isis Sr.’s name. Which means: Isis, I’m sorry, but you are not still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Cycle 17 All-Star Winner Model-Type Person. Episode Recaps: Cry tracker: Cry #1—Brandi (Some more) Best quotes “Buck-eye crazy smize” —Tyra “She’s scared of Chihuahuas. She’s scared of heights. She’s scared of everything! —The Grill on Brandi

ANTM ALL-STARS EPISODE RECAP

Episode 3: “When I think about you I Tooch myself ”

I’ve realized that watching ANTM with a rookie is a great way to pick up on blatant truths that may otherwise be missed by the desensitized brain of a regular viewer. For example, as perpetual Homecoming Queen hopeful, Kristin Cavallari, walked into the house to surprise the competitors, my friend Hannah asked, “What is she doing there?” So perceptive, Hannah. So perceptive. Kristen Calamari went on to dry her lip gloss by saying some stuff, but that’s when I went to refill my wine glass. 

The Challenge

Next, a freshly scalp-scraped Nigel told the girls about today’s challenge: Try not to sound like a complete dumbass while being interviewed by Mary-oh (love that accent, Nige) Lopez on an episode of Extra. The ladies were split into two teams and informed that the winning team would be safe from elimination! Some highlights from the interviews:

-       The Grill’s day-glo pants, which were as incessant as her high-fiving.

-       Brandi saying “vomit” and not realizing that she just said “vomit”.

-       Disney Princess Porn Star (DPPS) trying not to laugh at the thought of Mario Lopez having a Ken doll crotch.

In their limo on the way home, an enraged Isis Sr. treated us all to what may be the best quote in ANTM history:

-       “I know how to conduct myself, bitch—I worked at a bank! I worked at BANK!”

Once home, they all scratched their heads over the latest Tyra Mail. What would they be doing tomorrow for their big shoot? I missed the actual Trya Mail, but for some reason everyone thought it had something to do with animals. 

The Photo Shoot

Nope. It had to do with STILTS! Divided into pairs, the (safety-harnessed) girls tried their best to pose on Cirque-du-Soleil-style peg legs and the results were pure gold. There’s nothing like watching a duo of twig-limbed models trying to walk/stand/do high-kicks on stilts, it’s like a baby-giraffe fight club. Some highlights from the shoot:

-       Brandi talking smack while holding a bag of Cheetos and a juice box in one hand.

-       Dry Hump’s response to doing the devil’s walk on sticks? “I don’t even dance on the ground!”

-       Lion Drag Face confusing the photographer’s direction to “try better legs” with “copping a squat”.

-       First Cry! Brandi weeps on the floor of a public restroom, lamenting her fear of heights, but obviously not her fear of germs.

The Judgment

After what one can only guess was a blindfolded shopping spree at Charlotte Russe, the girls high-heeled it over to judging. During panel, Tyra unveiled a new entry in the ANTM lexicon, Booty Tooch. What is a Booty Tooch, you ask? Basically, it entails a lady popping her booty out and up to make sure it looks larger and more pert. Some highlights from judging:

-       Tyra: “Can you say Tooch, Allison?” And then, like an owl saying it out of its butt, DPPS awkwardly replied, “Tooch.”

-       Nigel asked The Grill, “Do you ever have your photograph taken with your legs together?”

-       Midway through judging, what I thought was going to be an Old Navy commercial turned into a WTF Virgin Mobile ad touting the phrase “Bangin’ Booty Tooch.” (Yes, I debated whether this was a “highlight”.)

Although it seemed that Dewy Bumpkin (or, her new alterna-nickname, “A Young Betty White”) was the obvious standout, DPPS received “Best Photo”. Hmph. Then, despite what I think should be a rule against having family members together in the Bottom Two, Isis and Isis Sr. were both up for elimination. After some soft, empathetic eye-squinting and sincere voice inflections, Tyra announced Isis Sr.’s name. Which means: Isis, I’m sorry, but you are not still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Cycle 17 All-Star Winner Model-Type Person.

Episode Recaps:

Cry tracker:

Cry #1—Brandi

(Some more) Best quotes

“Buck-eye crazy smize” —Tyra

“She’s scared of Chihuahuas. She’s scared of heights. She’s scared of everything! —The Grill on Brandi