ANTM ALL-STARS EPISODE RECAP
Episode 4: “Express line to crazy town”
I got really excited when the girls came home from the grocery store with nothing but bags full of wine. I thought, “Finally, someone’s going to have wine for dinner and say some crazy shit—just like a real model!” But, no. The wine was just a segue for informing us via voice-over that The Grill (aka Lisa) used to have a drinking problem and even went to “celeb” rehab, which I think is just what people who live in LA call rehab.
Someone dies! (Almost, kind of)
Five minutes in, Kayla (I forgot her nickname and am too lazy to look it up) started acting like a Victorian lady on a summer day, whoozing and flitting her handkerchief about. Dizzy and nauseous, she retired to the boudoir. Uh, hello? Weren’t y’all just stocking the pantry with wine bottles? SHE’S HUNGOVER, just leave her alone. Then the hyperventilating kicked in and, as reported by Isis Sr., “Her heart was beating like, uh….crazy!” So obviously this was a total emergency. The ambulance showed up and took her off to hospital.
Turns out it was just cardiac arrhythmia, most likely induced by stress. Though, Kayla acted like she escaped the clutches of death for the rest of the episode.
The Challenge
I’m pretty sure that somewhere, somehow, there exists animals that don’t have fur, but are instead covered in denim. I believe this because last night J. Manuel was wearing a patchwork jacket made from their hide. Anyway, bedecked in his endangered jean jacket, Jay announced this week’s challenge: audition for a role on CSI! After 30 minutes memorizing their lines, including complicated medical jargon, the thespians each took a shot at possible stardom. The results were basically the verbal equivalent of watching models on stilts. Some highlights from the shoot:
- “Half the words are longer than my face!”—Kayla
- New word alert: “Barbotonicals” (Courtesy of Dewy Bumpkin)
- Can’t remember “barbiturate”? Just say “Neosporin.” It’s totally the same.
- Can’t remember anything? Do as Trout Mouth does and place a fist under your chin!
- “I sing, I act, I model, my fans love me, I look good.” —Isis Sr. on the obvious reasons behind her impending success as an actress.
And the winner is…Bre, who I’m temporarily going to re-nickname, Squinchy Teeth (don’t ask). She didn’t mess up her lines as bad as the others and therefore won the real challenge—memorizing words.
The Photo Shoot
This week the All-Stars got to do a photo shoot for corporate mall-squatter, Express. The winner will be featured in a National campaign and receive a lifetime supply of solid-colored long sleeve tees. Some highlights from the shoot:
- “Out of all the girls here, I’m the model.” Brandi to J. Manuel.
- In a cruel and hilarious joke, the producers put Trout Mouth in a red pantsuit they stole from Nancy Reagan. Jerks.
- The Bitchuation (aka Camille) fell because her old, brittle bones couldn’t walk down the stairs in heels. (She’s 33, which she tells us every two to three minutes.)
The Judgment
As usual, the best-dressed girl at judging was Dewy Bumpkin, thanks to the tasteful, charming frocks sewn for her by her Grammy, Wanda Sue. (Let’s hope to see Wanda on the next Project Runway, eh?) Next, we got to see the aftermath of the day’s shoot, which seemed to warrant a collective “meh.” Also, Halloween apparently came early for The Grill, who decided to dress as a seven-year-old boy dressing as his five-year-old sister.
The winner for best photo? Everyone’s favorite suburban strip club retiree, Isis Sr.! Gross. And which two girls were left standing alone in front of Tyra’s squinty, shifting eyes? Camille and Lisa, who—according to Tyra—are polar opposites with one thing in common: excuses! Camille’s excuse: geriatrics. Lisa’s excuse: Her male co-models were too hungry and made her model bad. Some other words were said, and Lisa stepped forward to collect her photo. Camille, I’m sorry, but you are not still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Cycle 17 All-Star Winner Model-Type Person.
Best Tyra Quotes:
“…and her cousin the excuse monster!”
“Choo! Choo! The express train has arrived… to take someone …far, far away…from…here.”
