ANTM ALL-STARS EPISODE RECAP Episode 5: “Latoya is an angel!” The drama that unfolded at the beginning of this week’s episode doesn’t really deserve an overview, so instead I’ll just include some verbal gems that arose from the situation: -       “…big mouth Lisa who thinks she’s Sheriff of Top Model town!” —Bianca (aka Brandi) -       “…and the crying Christian is going off…” —Brandi -       “She’s scared of water? I’m the deep end. She’s scared of dogs? I’m a pit bull.”—Lisa (aka The Grill) on Brandi The Challenge As the model hopefuls headed to Santa Monica pier for their challenge, a mysterious fisherman suddenly turned around—it’s Miss J in thigh-high waders and…no pants? Oh Miss J, you’re a hoot! Delicately twirling around to face the contestants (without exposing his fish bait), Miss J declared that this week’s challenge would entail walking a carousal runway while modeling clothes from the Kardashian line. Before anyone could scream “GROSS!”, the Kardashian sisters arrived to talk a little more about their clothing line—available at Sears. “Don’t they sell tires there?” my friend Anna asked at this point. Yes, Anna, they do. The girls suited up in their fur and Lycra and proceeded to step on to and off of a moving carousel without falling or doing anything else newborn giraffe-like. Some highlights from the challenge: -       The Grill leaps from the stage onto the speared pony with the greatest of ease, making us all assume that somewhere there is a carousel-themed strip club. -       “She reminds me of someone’s alcoholic aunt.”—Miss J on Isis Sr. (uh, Angelea, duh.) -       “We’re in with the big dogs, the sharks. We’re going to use our teeth and our fins…” And perhaps your trout mouth, Alexandria? Soon after the challenge, Brandi’s crazy kicked in (maybe she got vertigo-induced rage from the carousel?) and she started yelling about the struggle and pain that she’s enduring at the hands of the other contestants. Wha? At this point she reminds me of those people who think their house is infested with ghosts or poltergeists, but then they find out it’s actually just them—they’re haunting themselves. Brandi needs a sage bath, stat. The Photo Shoot Things got rad when the All-Stars learned their photo shoot involved portraying Michael Jackson. Things got radder when none other than Latoya Jackson walked in, ready to help coach the girls with the gentle encouragement and kind words reminiscent of a Disney movie grandmother. Some highlights from the shoot: -       Jay compares Isis Sr.’s face to that of a Neanderthal. (So, I guess Miss J was partly right, but she’s more like someone’s “Neolithic alcoholic aunt”.) -       Disney Princess Porn Star or, Allison, terrifies and delights us with her portrayal of “Little boy” Jackson. -       Dewy Bumpkin’s (Laura) photo shoot gives me goose bumps and I realize I’ve probably had enough saké. The Judgment In judging we saw that most the girls excelled at their Michael Jackson “performance”… though not quite everyone. For example, somehow Trout Mouth managed to look like a clown impersonating Michael Jackson on a discount cruise line. Some other highlights from judging: -       Tyra announced that there would be a “first in ANTM history”: guest judge Latoya will be ranking the contestants, from Best Photo all the way down to the bottom two. -       Laura wins Best Photo and I get more goose bumps (someone didn’t put down the saké, did they?) As for the bottom two? Poor Isis Sr. and The Grill. As they stood awaiting the final call, Tyra turned to Latoya—it was time for a decision. From her saccharine vocal cords, Latoya announced that BOTH THE GIRLS WOULD BE STAYING! Honoring the gentle spirit of her brother, who was “an advocate of love, expression, and giving”, she couldn’t bear to see anyone go home. Oh Latoya, you are an angel. Isis Sr., The Grill, I’m sorry, but you are still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Cycle 17 All-Star Winner Model-Type Person. Episode Recaps: Cry tracker: Cry #1—Dry Hump (Shannon) when accused of inaccurate math by Brandi. Oh my. Cry #2—Brandi. Not positive, but I believe somewhere in the midst of her rant, Brandi may have squeezed out a bit of eye sweat. One More Best Quote: “Lisa, are you really doing the splits again?” Nigel to The Grill during panel.

ANTM ALL-STARS EPISODE RECAP

Episode 5: “Latoya is an angel!”

The drama that unfolded at the beginning of this week’s episode doesn’t really deserve an overview, so instead I’ll just include some verbal gems that arose from the situation:

-       “…big mouth Lisa who thinks she’s Sheriff of Top Model town!” —Bianca (aka Brandi)

-       “…and the crying Christian is going off…” —Brandi

-       “She’s scared of water? I’m the deep end. She’s scared of dogs? I’m a pit bull.”—Lisa (aka The Grill) on Brandi

The Challenge

As the model hopefuls headed to Santa Monica pier for their challenge, a mysterious fisherman suddenly turned around—it’s Miss J in thigh-high waders and…no pants? Oh Miss J, you’re a hoot! Delicately twirling around to face the contestants (without exposing his fish bait), Miss J declared that this week’s challenge would entail walking a carousal runway while modeling clothes from the Kardashian line. Before anyone could scream “GROSS!”, the Kardashian sisters arrived to talk a little more about their clothing line—available at Sears. “Don’t they sell tires there?” my friend Anna asked at this point. Yes, Anna, they do. The girls suited up in their fur and Lycra and proceeded to step on to and off of a moving carousel without falling or doing anything else newborn giraffe-like. Some highlights from the challenge:

-       The Grill leaps from the stage onto the speared pony with the greatest of ease, making us all assume that somewhere there is a carousel-themed strip club.

-       “She reminds me of someone’s alcoholic aunt.”—Miss J on Isis Sr. (uh, Angelea, duh.)

-       “We’re in with the big dogs, the sharks. We’re going to use our teeth and our fins…” And perhaps your trout mouth, Alexandria?

Soon after the challenge, Brandi’s crazy kicked in (maybe she got vertigo-induced rage from the carousel?) and she started yelling about the struggle and pain that she’s enduring at the hands of the other contestants. Wha? At this point she reminds me of those people who think their house is infested with ghosts or poltergeists, but then they find out it’s actually just them—they’re haunting themselves. Brandi needs a sage bath, stat.

The Photo Shoot

Things got rad when the All-Stars learned their photo shoot involved portraying Michael Jackson. Things got radder when none other than Latoya Jackson walked in, ready to help coach the girls with the gentle encouragement and kind words reminiscent of a Disney movie grandmother. Some highlights from the shoot:

-       Jay compares Isis Sr.’s face to that of a Neanderthal. (So, I guess Miss J was partly right, but she’s more like someone’s “Neolithic alcoholic aunt”.)

-       Disney Princess Porn Star or, Allison, terrifies and delights us with her portrayal of “Little boy” Jackson.

-       Dewy Bumpkin’s (Laura) photo shoot gives me goose bumps and I realize I’ve probably had enough saké.

The Judgment

In judging we saw that most the girls excelled at their Michael Jackson “performance”… though not quite everyone. For example, somehow Trout Mouth managed to look like a clown impersonating Michael Jackson on a discount cruise line. Some other highlights from judging:

-       Tyra announced that there would be a “first in ANTM history”: guest judge Latoya will be ranking the contestants, from Best Photo all the way down to the bottom two.

-       Laura wins Best Photo and I get more goose bumps (someone didn’t put down the saké, did they?)

As for the bottom two? Poor Isis Sr. and The Grill. As they stood awaiting the final call, Tyra turned to Latoya—it was time for a decision. From her saccharine vocal cords, Latoya announced that BOTH THE GIRLS WOULD BE STAYING! Honoring the gentle spirit of her brother, who was “an advocate of love, expression, and giving”, she couldn’t bear to see anyone go home. Oh Latoya, you are an angel. Isis Sr., The Grill, I’m sorry, but you are still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Cycle 17 All-Star Winner Model-Type Person.

Episode Recaps:

Cry tracker:

Cry #1—Dry Hump (Shannon) when accused of inaccurate math by Brandi. Oh my.

Cry #2—Brandi. Not positive, but I believe somewhere in the midst of her rant, Brandi may have squeezed out a bit of eye sweat.

One More Best Quote:

“Lisa, are you really doing the splits again?” Nigel to The Grill during panel.